I’m not going to start by giving you the scientific definition; simply, it’s facing your shit and realizing that your actions are not justified.

It’s not an easy thing to do nor is it a walk in the park. It’s like an epiphany, it hits when you least expect it. And when it hits you it hits you hard.

Taking a step back and looking at your thoughts, feelings and actions from a neutral point of view not from your point of view to be able to see the reality of your actions is something hard.

We don’t like to be wrong, we don’t like to be the ones to blame and as human beings we tend to find excuses for what we do and how we think. Some of it is fair but most of it is not. And that is when you drift into a snowball effect of fuckups.

Realizing the magnitude of your actions on the people around you and how it adds up to the chain of characteristics making you the person that you are, is very important.

It doesn’t only make you treat the people around you better, but it also gives you a realistic perspective on what you are like as a human.

It’s like looking at your self in a magnifying mirror for the first time and seeing all the flaws that you never knew you had.

Seeing those flaws is not even half the battle. You need to come to terms with the fact that they are there and that this is really you.

What comes next is hard, very hard, time consuming and brain wracking. You need to break down these flaws one by one and try to get to the source of these problems; you need to dig really deep to the core.

The next step is very tricky as I’m a strong believer that people do not change. However, they do develop, adapt and acclimatize.

For example, if you have anger problems, you cannot change and get rid of them. Nevertheless, you can learn how to manage those problems instead of letting it control you.

The same could apply to any bad characteristic you have. Don’t try to change it because you will be approaching the problem the wrong way.

Try to manage it, use it in a way that develops your personality to the better.

Having the power to put a leash on your daemons needs courage, it needs for you be honest with your self and it needs complete acceptance of the problems you have without sinking in the quick sand of denial.

Through this process you need to understand a couple of things:

You can’t fix all the bad that you’ve done.

You won’t always get a second run with the people you’ve hurt.

You will live with regrets from all calibers.

But it’s ok, you need to have all of those things to keep reminding your self of who you were and what you’ve become.

You need to accept and live with the consequences of your old fuckups even though you are not that person anymore. Just the fact that you became a better person doesn’t automatically wave the bad things you’ve done.

All you can do is be the updated better version of your self unconditionally, selflessly and without waiting for a reward or expecting anything in return.

Sometimes we must lose people to be better to other people.

Sometimes we need to lose things to appreciate ever having them.

Sometimes we must lose ourselves to find ourselves

Which is the biggest thing to lose yet the most rewarding thing to find.


Martin Avari



A wise man once said “They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!”….. ok maybe it wasn’t a wise man who said that, it was Mel Gibson.

Freedom is the opposite of slavery, to people you are either a slave or a free man. So it’s safe to say that the majority of people on earth are free people.

But what is freedom?

Freedom is the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants.

That being said, as proud and blessed to have our freedom as we may be, we should take a minute and ask our selves this; how much freedom do we actually have?

We would like to believe that we have our freedom. However I’m not sure that is the reality.

Slavery has many shapes, it’s not just to be sold and get told what to do.
Slavery is not being able to decide for your self and make choices based on what you want, basically, not having freewill.

Some people are slaves to their religion. And before you get all hyped up and start calling me the DEVIL, let me clear up what I mean.

I have all the respect for all religions.

Religion is a relationship between each person and god, it shouldn’t put limit on your interaction with other humans, the purpose of religion…. Any religion is to manage your life for the greater good, to make you treat all living beings with kindness and care, to teach you how to be helpful, kind and to make you a better person.

If all that cannot be applied to all living things regardless of their religion, race or background, then it defies the purpose and it doesn’t make sense. I’m going to even take it up a notch and say, “Then it’s not GODLY”. It must be a human interpretation of the religion since GOD would not have made a religion that will teach us to discriminate against the rest of human beings.

Some people are salves to their tradition, culture, community or family.

You should keep in mind all the above when you want to make decisions that directly effect the people around you not just you.

All people should have the freedom to be who they are, to do what they want, express them selves the best way they know how and live the adventures they want to live.

I call this Mental Slavery.

I can’t say that this is a global issue, It’s present everywhere but the percentage of it is different from one place to the other.

The idea for this piece started as I was sitting on the beach having a conversation with a smart young Middle Eastern lady who has a vibrant colorful smile all the time and the potential to be a world-class businesswoman. We were talking about the traditions and how they control and limit people’s lives, including hers.

I said “There are no freemen in the Middle East” and she asked me to write about that. However after I did my research I found out that it’s not just the Middle East.

What I found in common between the places that have the problem of what I call Mental Slavery in a very obvious percentage is that, they are all Third world countries, developing nations, not well-off/well nurtured countries or however you want to refer to them.

You won’t find this issue in almost all the first world countries or the well nurtured countries, everyone puts no effort in being themselves because there is no one to judge them for it, simply they don’t care to be anyone else but themselves or do anything other than what they truly want to do and maybe that’s why they became first world countries.

Because they want to move forward they don’t have time to waste being concerned “what would people think”. They just do it.

It’s really sad to see people living a life they don’t want because they are slaves to their community.

It’s really sad to see people not doing the things they love because they are slaves to their family.

It’s really sad to see people cutting human interaction with people they really love because they are slaves to their culture.

We are here on this earth for a short amount of time.

We have only one shot at the life we have.

There are no redoes, second chances or future lives.

Every minute that passes is gone forever and we can’t get it back.


We should be able to make choices based on what’s good for us, not what’s good for everybody else but us.

We should be able to express our selves, look, act, dream, work, have fun, morn, eat, dress, think and love the way we truly need to. Not the way we’ve been slaved into.

This form of slavery is something that no one can break you free from.

You have the key to your own locks; you just need to have the power to break free.

It’s not an easy thing, matter fact it’s extremely hard as we are human beings and it’s in our nature to belong and seek acceptance.

If you break free from your locks and decide to be who you are and live the life you want, that’s when you are truly free and you can achieve anything you want in life. Because the hardest locks to break are the mental ones.

Be kind to others and never harm any living being but when it comes to you, do things your way, because at the end of the day when you die no one will share a casket with you. It will only be you and traces of how you lived your life.

Be you, because of you and only for you.

Martin Avari

Thoughts On The Dark Side

Ok, before I start let me get one thing out of the way, this is not about Darth Vader, Lord Voldemort or about the writer of Game of Thrones who keeps killing our beloved characters, leaving us traumatized for days. This is about you and me, the everyday people.

Let’s start with one thing there is no absolute good nor absolute bad in life, everything, everyone has both sides the difference is the percentage and what they decide to show.
When we refer to someone as a “Good Person” or a “Bad Person” we are describing the side that is visible to us.

All of us have skeletons in our closets, all of us have done things we are not particularly proud of and sometimes things that we wouldn’t tell anyone about.

If we wronged someone, we can ask for their forgiveness and try to make it up to them but what if we can’t ask for the person’s forgiveness? What if it’s too late to make amends?

Does the good we do in life erase the bad things we’ve done? I would love to believe that. However, if you hurt someone deeply, I don’t understand how being nice to someone else would erase that.

Some people say that bad people don’t have a moral compass; I say the term is not accurate because a compass will always tell you North from South. However, morality is way more complex than that.

The gray area between right and wrong is very unclear and tend to be different from one culture to the other, from one country to the other, from one city to the other and from one person to the other.
We tend to find excuses for our actions and find reasons to justify it for ourselves, the people around us and society. Sometimes it makes sense and sometimes we go a bit too far.

What if we did bad things in life and realized how bad we are, we have one of two options, we either try to be good or embrace being bad.

If you’re trying to be good and right the wrongs you’ve done, you can apologies to those you’ve wronged, try to undo the bad things you’ve done or maybe just confess and deal with the consequences.

What if there is no way for you do any of that? What if you’ve done bad things that hurt people deeply and you have no way to ask for forgiveness, right the wrong or confess.

Some people will take the cliché approach and tell you “Let It Go” but if you are trying to be a good person you can’t just simply look at the bad you’ve done and “Let It Go” because that’s what bad people do, they do bad things and they simply don’t care.

Maybe that’s the difference between a good person and a bad person. A good person would regret and feel guilt for the bad they’ve done and try to do something about it, while a bad person wouldn’t feel the guilt or regret.

I’m avoiding giving examples, because the examples are so broad and endless when it comes to this subject and because I want to leave it to your life experience. I believe we can all relate to this in a way or another.

The million-dollar question is how do you make amends for the bad things you’ve done when you have no way what so ever to fix them, undo them, or even ask for forgiveness for them? I honestly don’t have a clue. When it comes to this I’m like John Snow……. I know nothing.

I usually end my pieces with my personal conclusion about the subject in hand.

This time I will end it with a quote
“Wisdom we know is the knowledge of good and evil, not the strength to choose between the two” (John Cheever).

Martin Avari


The concept of love really confuses me, I mean, what is the difference between liking, loving, being in love or falling in love?

Does everyone have some sort of device that measures and decides exactly how you feel about people? Because whoever is giving those away forgot to give me one!

I know how I feel about people, I either love them or I don’t. I mean of course I don’t love people equally, some more than others but I don’t understand when people are together and they say “I love her but I’m not in love with her”. What does that even mean?

I could love you as a friend, girlfriend, life partner or even as a stranger.

I believe love has nothing to do with the category you fall under.
Especially when it comes to relationships or marriage for that matter, love is easy but chemistry is hard.
Chemistry is the key factor that makes the difference between being friends, strangers, close friends or lovers.

You might meet people that you love but you have great chemistry as friends and not as lovers.

When you are emotionally intelligent enough to be able to tell which is which that’s when you will have great friend, close friend or lover relations.

It’s like the game we used to have as babies where you have holes in different shapes; circle, square and triangle and you have shapes to match the holes. If you put them in the right hole they fit in perfectly and everything falls in place, however when you try to put a shape in the wrong hole…. Well….you understand what I mean.

I’m not saying that I’m emotionally intelligent to put all shapes in the right holes, I’m very far from it and I’m still trying to figure out how this whole thing works.

But what I know is that if I love you as a friend, close friend or lover I will love you for life, I know that much.

I know enough to tell how I feel about each and everyone in my life and I make sure they know exactly how I feel about them.

Life is short and it ends in the most random ways possible, It would be such a shame to have love for people around you, any kind of love and keep it to your self.

Love is very precious and very rare when it’s true unconditional love.

You can’t love people only if they love you back, you can’t love a friend only when they are fun.

When you love a person it’s a lifetime thing that doesn’t change, regardless of the circumstances.

You can be angry with them, they could hurt you in everyway possible and you may never want to speak to them again for a reason or another but that will never change the fact that you love them if that love is true.

How do you know that you love a person?

Easy, if all you care about is to see them happy regardless of your attachment or involvement in their happiness, then you love them.

How do you know what kind of chemistry you have with the person you love to decide if it’s friendship or love relationship?

Easy….. Just kidding it’s so FUCKING hard, chemistry between people is a very tricky thing even for Heisenberg, sorry for the Breaking Bad reference, I’ve recently watched it and is not shabby at all.

Ok back to our topic, chemistry between people, I’m the last person to give advice in that department but what I can say is, don’t experiment with more than you are prepared for.

Being loved feels so good, we all want to be loved that sometimes it makes us try to force the wrong shape in the wrong hole and that never ends well.

Don’t dive in so fast into anything and just let everything take its natural course in a timely manner.

When you have love from someone, show it; be it friendship, lover or a stranger.

Ok maybe not the stranger coz that may come across a bit creepy.

Share your thoughts and how you feel about people and that will help you understand what you want from them and how you want them in your life.

Loving someone is not weakness, it’s empowering.

If you meet someone that you would love to be friends with, say it, make it clear (again easy on the creep Ville) but show it in a decent socially acceptable manner where the conversation won’t end with a restraining order against you.

If you love someone in any way and they don’t feel the same, what should you do?

The answer is, be happy.

Ok let me elaborate on that, if you love someone as friends or lovers and they don’t feel the same, one of two things is going to happen.

You either stop loving them which means you didn’t really love them to begin with.

Or, you will keep loving them which means you are capable of loving in the highest form of love, and that love is not something you need to get over or forget it’s something that you should hold on to.

It’s something that will give you the power to love unconditionally again and again till you find the right person to love.

The person that makes chemistry with you seem so effortless and simple.

I will end this with what I believe is the most important thing.

Never stop loving truly, madly and deeply.
Never stop showing the love you have in everyway you know best.

Martin Avari

Thoughts on Happiness

Ok, let’s start with this; What is happiness?

Some people say happiness is not having what you want, it’s appreciating what you have. And I call this lot “the neutral herd”.
Don’t get me wrong appreciating what you have is really important and essential for you to have a healthy state of peace of mind. However, I wouldn’t go all out and call that happiness. It’s literally like watching ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ for two hours only because you’re too lazy to get off the couch, walk two meters and find the freaking remote control there for you settled; which in this case is appreciating what you have which is the Kardashians and I’m pretty sure that’s not happiness.

Some people say happiness is not determined by what’s happening around you, but rather what’s happening inside you, and I call this lot “Stoned”.
I mean alright, you have to be always happy on the inside, face life with a spirit stronger than Chuck Norris him self and keep a million dollar smile on your face. But let’s be real, if you’re alone, living in a basement (not even your parents), your ass and belly are never in the same room, your dog just died, you just got fired and you just bought the last piece of cheese cake only for a stupid bird to shit on it before you could even take a bite. I wouldn’t really expect that person to be the life of the party.

There are a lot of interpretations of happiness, to some it’s the happy hour at your local, I call those alcoholics. To some it’s following your heart, I call those daydreamers. To some it’s having recognition and status in society, I call those attention seekers and to some it’s a big bucket of ice-cream and I call those people ME.

The most common yet controversial interpretation of happiness is that there is no happiness, it’s only the pursuit of happiness,. Happiness is a direction not a place.

What that means is, there is no permanent, full happiness. It’s a temporary state of mind that you feel right when you get what you want and then you’re back to the pursuit till you get the next thing want.

Let me put it this way, remember when you were looking forward to getting that new phone that you’ve been waiting for for a long time? Remember the feeling you got when you first turned it on and used it? Remember the first time you dropped it, how the whole world went in slow motion and you felt your heart shatter to pieces as your phone gets closer to that cold, ruthless concrete pavement? Now try to remember how you felt about your phone 5 months later, you don’t care for it as much as you did and it’s definitely not giving you the same happy feeling you felt when you just got it.

The same thing applies to that new car, new house, a promotion, a raise, your dream job, the first date with your crush, the first spoon of chocolate ice-cream (hmmm I love chocolate ice-cream) and the first time you had sex.

They all provide you with happiness so strong, it would flood your veins with adrenaline when you first get them but later on they become things you take for granted. Therefore they don’t provide you with happiness or at least not close to what they used to. However, the longer you wait for them the happier you get when you actually have them.

So we are back to the same question: What is happiness?

If everything that you can get or anything that might happen to you will only provide you with temporary happiness, could that be it? Is happiness only a temporary thing?

There must be something that no matter how many times you do or get back to in your brain when you’re at your worst that would give you this gushy feeling of happiness deep inside, no?

What about happy memories? Nope, not really.

They work to a certain limit but they won’t give you the same feelings, because no matter what, all good memories come with a slight bitterness that they are just memories, they are not there any more.

I think about everything that I’ve been through, all the things I got and all the things I did.
I’ve been trying so hard to understand, what is happiness? What is that one thing i do every time that gives me the same feeling of warmth and peace? How can i have this permanent happiness or at least as close as it gets?

And the only thing that came to mind is doing something nice for someone you love without expecting anything in return.
I’m not trying to give you the cliché of do nice things to strangers and you will be happy.
That will make you feel better about your self. What I mean is, doing something really nice to someone that you really love and care about, something that would make them really really happy, to see someone you really care for with a happy look on their face and know it’s because of you. That right there is such an extraordinary feeling.

So basically, giving someone you love temporary happiness will give you a permanent one.

Because every time you look back at what you did for them and how happy they were you can’t not have this overwhelming feeling without the bitterness because you didn’t want anything in return. The whole purpose was to make them happy and that purpose was fulfilled when you saw them being happy.

Of course, you need to work hard to get that new car, new house, an amazing vacation and fill your life with temporary happy moments.
Of course, you need to appreciate what you have but never stop fighting for what you want and always be hungry to achieve more.

I believe a true measure of how much you’ve lived is definitely not how many years you’ve lived, It’s how many moments of happiness you’ve had throughout your life.

It’s about those moments that you had your breath taken away, those moments that your heart couldn’t help but skip a beat.

How many of those have you had? Food for thought.

I will end this with what I believe sums happiness for me.

Some times you get the biggest joy in life out of things you do for the ones you love, not the things you do for yourself.

Martin Avari.